Let It Go

The music fell around me. I knew the words. I knew I was singing along.

But I didn’t hear any of it.

It was the first night of our Young Adult Retreat. Cameron, Trevor, Tyler, & Tasha are up leading worship, but I couldn’t get into it. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the music or whatever, they were great songs, and those guys (and girl) are some of my favorite musicians.

It wasn’t that. Continue reading

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Life Without Revision

Well, for my New Year’s Eve post, I turned to Sleeping At Last for inspiration. Now, I return to them, to the same song, for today’s post…

the table is set and our glasses are full
though pieces go missing, may we still feel whole
we’ll build new traditions in place of the old
‘cause life without revision will silence our souls
~ “Snow” by Sleeping At Last

What an interesting thought, that last line, “Life without revision will silence our souls”. I first heard these words from my friend Cameron, when he enlisted my help in making something for a friend of his. I’d never heard the song “Snow” by Sleeping at Last before, but I instantly fell in love with it… Continue reading

Celebrations (2 of 5)

Continuing my walk down the past year, and the posts that indicated a time of change in my life, this one was a no brainer for me. This one was from one the biggest shifts in my personal life, and was the beginning of a crazy time of change and a fair bit of turmoil.. Continue reading

Finishing Projects

Have you ever had something you have been working on but, for whatever reason, you couldn’t finish? Welcome to the last year and a 3 months of my life…

1 year and 3 months ago, my laptop died, leaving me with sooo many unfinished projects. For a while, it would bother me. I would dream of getting new computer, and the first thing I’d do would be to finish all those unfinished projects… Then as I got used to having to explain why I couldn’t finish a project, it slowly stopped bothering me. Continue reading

Pictures and Other Timely Things

Last night, I had the honor of taking Trevor Heinrich‘s Senior pics, and it was a lot of fun 🙂

As we were driving into Lancaster City, we began talking about how busy he was, and the things he was spending his time doing. As we were talking I was reminded of a class we took in my first year of Gettysburg Master’s Commission with Jason Fitch. Continue reading

Openness

The most important aspect of any relationship is being open with each other. Whether it’s dating, friends, family, spouses, anyone. The relationship will only survive if you are open about things with that person. Keeping feelings (good or bad) inside and not sharing them is the quickest way to guarantee that your relationship will fall apart. Continue reading

The River of Tears That Flows From My Eyes

I never thought this day would come. I had thought about it, prayed about, felt uncertain about it. But I never thought it would actually happen.

But now it has.

I’ve been holding on so tight
Look at these knuckles they’ve gone white
From fighting for who I want to be
I’m just trying to find security

But you say let it go
You say let it go
You say life is waiting for the one’s who lose control
You say You will be everything I need
You say if I lose my life it’s then I’ll find my soul
You say let it go

I have made the decision to step down from Youth Ministry. For how long, I don’t know. Maybe just for a season. Maybe for forever. This has been the hardest decision I’ve ever come to. I know it’s right. I know it’s best. But it’s not easy. It’s not what I want to do. But it’s what I need to do.

After praying about for a few months now (if you remember, I posted about this back in March when it first started to be laid on my heart) and after talking to a few people, I made my decision. This was my choice, but it has been the hardest choice I’ve ever had to make. Upon making my decision on Wednesday, I bawled my eyes out. And again the day after. And the day after that. And every day since.

God, why does this have to be so hard? Why does it hurt so much? I’ve always said that if you call me to something, I would do it, without question. But why did you have to actually test me on that?

I know this will be good. I know it is the best thing for me to do. For myself. For everyone. But those thoughts are only small comforts when I feel like this. Now I begin to wonder “where do I go?” “what do I do now?” How do I leave without leaving a huge void behind?

What now will be the thing that makes my heart leap? What now will be the thing that gives me joy? Where does my dream go from here? This was MY God-sized dream. Now I don’t have that. So what do I do now?

I don’t have answers. I don’t have a nice, neat little bow to put on this to make it a nice little package of thoughts and emotions that has a happy ending. I just have the pain, the heartache, and the river of tears that flows from my eyes.

Loss and Inspiration

Recently, a young girl in the local school here passed away. She was diagnosed with cancer about 10 months ago, and lost her battle a few days ago. Some of the youth here in our youth group were very close to her. I remember when I first found out that she had taken a turn for the worst about a week ago, it rocked some of them to their very core. That night when we first found out, about 5 of us went down to the youth building and prayed for her. For all of her friends and family. Prayed that God would give them, and her, strength to endure whatever came next. We prayed for comfort. We prayed for healing. But above all, we prayed that God would do what was best, and that HE would be the focus of it all.

I don’t believe that God makes everything happen, or even that everything happens for a reason. Some things just happen. But I do believe that in all things, there can be something good to come of it.

But what about death? What good comes of death? Sure, I can see it, but what about all those around me? Do they see it? How do you tell them “There is something good that will come out of this” when they’ve just lost one of their best friends? You say “God will find a way to make this good” and they ask you “How?” and you don’t know how to answer. “I don’t know.” “then how do you know that something good will come of it?” “I just do.” yeah. Real strong case there… But I guess that’s why they call it faith.

I only met the young girl once. At one of our youth kids birthday parties. And as much as I hate to admit it, I didn’t remember her until I saw a picture on Facebook. But her story made my heart break. No parent should ever have to bury their child.

Then yesterday, we were sitting with our student leaders after the funeral, before youth group, letting them process and unravel their feelings over the whole situation. And I got to hear how this girl, whom I never met, had impacted so many lives. “She was funny.” “She was never awkward.” “She loved life.” They loved the life she lived, and her death inspired them to live like she did. THAT is the good that God will bring from it.

And to hear what they, some of her closest friends, had to say, it makes you think. What’s the impact you are leaving behind? If you died tonight, what would people say about you? Would your life inspire others to live a better life?