I Hate This Feeling

This is the first post in a while. I wrote this, not because I care if people read it, but because I needed to. Does that make sense?

I hate this feeling I feel growing inside. This feeling that comes in and out like waves on the shore. It rushes in, overwhelming at times, then it pulls away as fast as it came in, but never actually going away… I hate this feeling I feel growing inside. What does it mean? When will it change? Sometimes change is good, and sometimes bad. I wonder what kind of change I want. I hate this feeling I feel growing inside. This feeling that causes tears to well up in my eyes, even as it just crosses my mind. This feeling that, when I begin to think about dealing with it, causes those tears to flow, even as I write this now. I hate this feeling I feel growing inside. I’m finding it hard to believe. Do I really believe what I believe is what I believe? I know these truths, I really do believe them. I’ve told these truths to so many people. It’s not really that I don’t believe, it’s just that I’m having a hard time getting these truths from my head to my heart. I hate this feeling I feel growing inside. I want to talk about it, but what do I say? How do I say it? I hate this feeling I feel growing inside. I want to tell someone about it, but who do I tell? What do I day, “Hi, I’m your rock when your life is unstable, but now my life is unstable”? I hate this feeling I feel growing inside. When will it end? How will it end? Do I really want it to end? It has to end. I can’t keep going on like this. I pray to God everyday to end it, this feeling, but it’s still there. Never ending. But it needs to. I hate this feeling.

I wonder?

I wonder… Where did the awe go?
Where did the imagination go?
Where did the trust go?
Where did we fall away from those days when we knew that people were worth the effort?
I’m talking about the days when we were little kids, and the world was just awe inspiring…
Remember being a kid and when you would drive around all you wanted to do was look out the window at the world pass by? (or read a book and get lost in your imagination?) Remember when during recess all you needed to be entertained was a few friends and your imagination? I remember being in elementary school, and me and my friends (sometimes just one, sometimes a few) would just walk around the playground talking and using our imaginations to make up games…
Remember being a kid and when you met a new kid, you could go off and play with them, before you even knew his/her name? That used to happen to me a lot, I would be somewhere doing something, and I would end up playing a game with some kid I didn’t know, and we would play for like 30 min before we would learn each others name…
Remember when as a kid you trusted people, maybe not blindly, but more instictually? Where did we lose that trust? As a kid, when someone told you something, you usually trusted them. Why now do we question everything someone tells us?
Why is it that children can be some of the most compassionate people on earth? Shouldn’t that be a title that adults carry? Why is it that we can see someone crying, and as kids, we tended to want to reach out to them, comfort them, etc, but now as adults, we tend to shy away from that?
I wonder if that is what Jesus meant when he said we were to have faith like a child?