My Breaking Heart

 

“My love is over, it’s underneath It’s inside, it’s in between The times that you’re healing And when your heart breaks The times that you feel like you’ve fallen from grace” ~ “Times” by Tenth Avenue North

It’s 11:09 at night, everyone else is in bed, and I find myself sitting alone in the dark with a heavy, breaking, heart, tears rolling down my face. I guess I should back up. For almost 6 years now, I have started off every morning with the following prayer, “God, let me see people the way that you see them, and let me love them the way that you love them.” I’ve expanded it since then, but that was what it started as. And about 5 years ago, he started really answering that prayer in a major way.It started with a young man in Gettysburg. It wasn’t like some voice came down and told me what he was struggling with, and no one else told me, I just knew… I knew he had some issues with his father, and found himself turning to drinking and drugs to get away from it. And yet, knowing all this, knowing I might be taken advantage of, I still loved him, I still felt drawn to him. At first I didn’t know what was going on. I was confused that I could know this stuff and still love him and accept him, but it was at that prayer that made it possible. I could see him the way God saw him, not blind to his flaws, mistakes, and past, but choosing to see him as he could be. In the bible it talks about our sins being removed as far as the east is from the west. I Love the way that my good friend ryan put it once. It’s not that our sins don’t exist, but you can’t look east and west at the same time. Think about it hold something in one hand, and something else, the spread your arms wide out to your side. You can’t look at both at the same time. One doesn’t stop existing, but one isn’t focused on. That was what God was allowing me to do, (though I could never have put it as elegantly as Ryan), to see people & their sins as if they were held as far apart as the east is from the west. Flash back to tonight. What does any of that have to do with me staying up late, writing through tears? Well, for the first time, I’m having a hard time doing that. Recently I learned a friend has made choices that I don’t agree with. At first, I was able to keep see him as God does, but then his choices began to affect someone else I cared about, and then another. And now, I’m sitting here, crying out to God through tears about what to do. And I won’t even begin to get into the questions I have about what I did that maybe helped lead him to this point, and if there was more I could/should have done to steer him, away… How do I love someone when they hurt others whom I love? I hear from them about how his choices are hurting the, and my heart breaks for them, and my blood boils for him. If there is one thing I can’t stand, it’s when those I love are hurt. I fins myself asking God to let me love him the way He does, but for the first time since I started praying that, I’m finding myself having a hard time doing it… Don’t get me wrong, I do still love him, but I’m having a hard time separating him from him sins… I keep telling myself that God’s love never fails, it remains, and that “neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, can get between us and God’s love because of the way that Jesus […] has embraced us” But I find myself struggling to do that, struggling to embrace him and separate him from his sin… My tears tonight are for him, those he has hurt and myself. I just pray that tonight God would begin to restore what each of us has lost…

I don’t care where you’ve fallen or where you have been I’ll never forsake you My love never ends It never ends

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