I have been experiencing that a lot recently. With all the changes going on in my life (which you can find out about here). I’ve come to realize that, other than when I first made the decision, I’ve never cried about it with other people around. When I’ve told people about my decision, when I’ve talked about it, when I’ve seen people who it really affects, I’ve never cried then. But when I’m driving down the road, by myself, I lose it. I start bawling.
I get attacked.
I get attacked with these feelings of “You failed. You failed everyone. Your letting them down.” “They were counting on you. You let them down with this announcement.” “You’re abandoning every one of the youth you’ve built a relationship with.”
I know these are lies. I’m not stepping down from some sort of failure, almost everyone I’ve talked to has been very supportive. I’m making sure that the youth that I’ve built relationships with don’t feel abandoned and know that I do still care about them. But these are the attacks I get.
I had one of these HUGE attacks the other day, and when I asked a friend what they were doing, because I needed to be with someone, they were busy. At first I was upset even more. When I needed them, they didn’t have time for me. But then I realize it was God reminding me that in these times of attack, I need to rely on him to give my strength and to carry me through.
So instead I went to a local park and sat on the bed of my truck, and yelled, screamed, cried, even cussed a little at God, and let HIM be my strength in that time.
God, I need you to be my strength through all of this. I can’t rely on others to carry me, I need you to be my rock in all of this. Thank you for everything You have already done through this. I know I’m going to need you to keep being awesome and carrying me through this. Words could never express my gratitude. You’re the best!