It began about 3 days ago as a small thought. From there it slowly began to grow. This thought of doubt. Not in God, but in where He is on my priority list. I was reading 83 Lost Sheep and in chapter 4 the author talks about the time he gave up his Harley to God. He sold it and put the money from the sale into missions. He talks about how it was like his fatted calf. In the bible days, a fatted calf was one of the most valuable things a person owned, and it was good to own one. You only slaughtered the fatted calf for the most important of things. And sometimes it was hard to do. Gerry’s fatted calf was his bike.
It got me thinking. What’s my fatted calf? And I honestly couldn’t tell you. That started Sun. Monday a barely gave it any thought. Tuesday I was teaching that chapter to our student leaders. And I started thinking about it again. But again, I wasn’t sure what my fatted calf was. It bothered me because it wasn’t a “I don’t have anything that I hold higher to god that I might need to give up for him”, but a “I can’t figure out what that thing is. I know it’s there, but I just don’t know.”
I held it together and faked it for a while that afternoon/night (though not that well apparently, my best friend looked at me after wings and said that he could tell I wasn’t feeling myself.)
To help me sort out my thoughts and feelings, I went for a drive. It was on that drive that this thought popped into my mind, “what if my fatted calf was my work with the youth group?”. Would I be able to give that up? And the scariest part of that thought was that my answer wasn’t a resounding “YES!”. In other words, if God called me to step down from youth ministry right now, could I do it? And my answer was “I don’t know”. I don’t know what this means for me and for my work with the youth group. It might be a thought that God is placing in my head to get my attention and to refocus me on Him, or maybe He is asking me to give it up. I just don’t know.